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Its been forever since Ive been on here. Basically Im relapsing into my ED Behaviours and it sucks...i have no appetite and losing weight is triggering as fuck.


A letter to the woman who saved me.--I don't know how to contact the woman, and it was suggested by a mutual friend that I send it to the daughter, who has a FB account.

So. I had a suicide attempt last winter and your mother...she saved my life. She happened to be the one working when I was trying to get help and she's the one who called 911 for me and kept it from getting too bad. She hugged me, and offered comforting words. I thanked her awkwardly in person but I was wondering if you could possibly show this to her when you see her, if it doesn't make either of you uncomfortable. If it does, please disregard/delete this.

I'm indescribably grateful for what she did for me. I really only wanted to use the bathroom but she went beyond that and held me, comforted me, and kept me warm because it was freezing. She stayed with me until the paramedic arrived. The 911 call she made...it led me to going to West Valley, which sent me to a homeless shelter in Boise. From there, I've had the absolute happiest days of my life. I met my fiance there, mended many relationships I thought were broken beyond repair, met some absolutely amazing people I would not have otherwise. Because she helped me I was able to find out that my life was actually worth something, that I deserved to be happy and loved. And I have been. I've never felt this happy or complete in my 21 years of life. I don't like to go back to those thoughts but sometimes I have to, just to realize how lucky I am. And it was because of her compassion that I'm able to look back at this event and be incredibly grateful to be alive. It's a chilling but amazing feeling.So, Mrs (blank for privacy), if (blank for privacy) does indeed show this to you, thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart. I thank you. My fiance thanks you. My family thanks you.Sincerely, "Katarzhenya"
The protective urge I have over my fiance is absolutely ridiculous...I want to protect her from the world.
My fiance is pregnant. After bwing missing all this time, she returns to tell me she is staying with her mother who has a history of being abusive...and shes pregnant with her ex bfs baby, supposedly so she and I can be parents (i am incapable of getting pregnant). WTF

May. 30th, 2013

Reading through old LJ entries and realizing how fucking miserable I was O_o

I live with my ex and his gf...

This has nothing to do with jealousy; I'm looking for a girlfriend right now, and I'm way over Stefan. This has to do with me being irritable, and she happens to press all the wrong buttons with me.

I can hear my ex's girlfriend talking across the hall.
Everything is "our".
"We're gonna wait until our taxes come in"
"Because our car is a piece of junk"
"our cats"
"Our wedding."

1) It's not YOUR taxes. It is Stefan's. HE is he one working. HE is the one paying the bills. You aren't doing shit. You put in ONE application at a job you're so sure you're going to get and then, guess what, didn't get it. While I do at least 6 a day, and I have yet to even have an interview. And it irritates me even more that YOU are the one getting all the recognition.

2) It is not YOUR car, and it's not a piece of junk. It's a suburban; no it's not your fancy little rich-girl car. It's a sturdy vehicle, and it gets us from A to B.

3) Nope again. These are his mom's cats that we don't know what to do with. With the exception of Kiki and Maki, they are MY cats, and you will stop threatening them and complaining about them.

4) You're delusional. I talked to Stefan; you guys are nowhere near engaged yet. He's not that happy with you right now. I can't tell if you're desperate or delusional, but STFU. Ugh!


I hate my life right now

The cats keep shitting in the house. Instead of actually getting it himself, Kyle comes to ME to complain and tells me to clean it up. Um, you come to this house, eat Stefan's food, play his games, use his electricity. I am job hunting and doing all of the chores. The least you can do is clean up one pile of cat shit.
To fix this, I have locked all of Stefan's cats in the garage. They can stay in there and use the damn litterboxes.

Alex fucking broke my teakettle by leaving it on the hot stove 24/7. The boys tried to use it, they do the same thing and guess what it leaks. I loved that tea kettle, and it was the last thing my great grandma gave me before she died. And now it's busted because Stefan's brothers are IDIOTS.

I have a horrible migraine. Shifting vision, numb fingers, the whole shebang. This is my third day with this migraine.

Living with Rebekah and Kyle. I am the one who does all the cleaning and catcare and jobhunting while they get to sit on their asses and watch Netflix all day. And then I get in trouble with Stefan when something goes amiss. Wonderful. Fucking awesome.

I can't eat without getting sick. Pots and pots of coffee.

Why my life sucks right now

My mother kicked me out for going on a  date with someone I met on a dating site.

I'm stuck at my ex's house because I've pretty much burned all my bridges with my addiction and BPD tendancies.

My sister doesn't believe me about my mom because she sees that woman as a saint. My mom greatly favors my sister, my dad favors me; it's just a fact.

I can hear my ex and his fiance having sex.

The girl I'm in love with is married and moving to san diego.

I don't have my meds because my mother won't let me come home. I have no family supporting me right now.

I can't work because stress makes me suicidal.

I'm out of cigarettes.
Finally got to see the girl I'm in love with. Smoked with her, she let me borrow her sweater because it was cold...and I threw up, got puke on the sleeve of it. FML


Katarzhenya Ivanova

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